The past few days I’ve been thinking over this word: sabbath. And the thoughts take me back to writing about being an adrenaline junky, earlier. And I think back on how far I’ve come … but recovering from that addiction has been a struggle, partly successful and yet something I’m still working on.
I have learned it was about more than just “saying no” and “slowing down” and “sitting still”… it was about dealing with WHY I couldn’t say no, slow down or sit still.
Doubting this is scientific, I have a theory on addictions: my behavior became an addiction in that moment in time when I made the decision that THIS (addiction) is better than THAT (physical/emotional pain that I was running from, etc).
Let me take a step back… I do not pretend to know the scientific background on addictions… I just know what the issue was for me.
And for me… I became an adrenaline junky because I didn’t want to deal with the traumatic happenings in my life. Why exactly were they traumatic? I’m not quite sure… everyone gets hurt… but why was this hurt so traumatic? I don’t know… it just was. And I was blind-sided by it. I was not prepared to deal with it. I could not wrap my head around the blow to my life.
So, I found something else to take my attention away from the trauma. I stifled every last feeling and emotion… and I became strung out on “to do” lists, only 3 hours of sleep a night, espresso and not being able to see straight. My house fell apart: the house work wasn’t getting done, the bills were hardly being paid (because I simply forgot to pay them), etc. I was “too busy working” to hang out with family, meet friends for coffee, etc. In effect, I used this excuse as a way to keep from getting involved and being hurt again.
Having admitted I had a problem was the first step… and now I think I’m on the upswing. I now get over 6 hours of sleep a night, I go on vacations with my family, I take days off of work to hang out with my husband, I meet friends for coffee/glass of wine, walk through farmer’s markets, go on scrapbook retreats and connect regularly with some really great people. I have picked up the hobby of cooking… and love taking treats to friends at work, church, etc.
I now allow myself to cry… I allow myself to be happy, sad, hurt, confused, ecstatic… simply put, I allow myself to have emotions… without feeling guilty or ashamed.
And I’m loving life… and I’m up for a second sabbatical at work and very much looking forward to taking some time off to rest, relax, read, sleep more than 6 hours a night… I’m ever so blessed to have the opportunity to refresh like this…
I wonder when I’ll finally get around to doing the house cleaning …