As I continue to ponder what my Heavenly Father is saying to my heart for 2014… I continue to focus on Psalm 139:13-16 and more specifically the words “I am FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made” … those words continue to speak to my soul.

But I ask, why is this such an important topic for me this year?  What am I to glean from this chapter I’ve read at least 100 times?  Is there a more specific lesson to learn through these words?  What am I to have accomplished at the end of the year by focusing on this verse?  Why is this resonating like it is?  Is there a specific topic or word I should be praying about?

And I keep coming back to this  … those negative, self-rejecting “tape recordings” that continue to fire off in my brain.  The damaging thoughts that tell me things like you’re not good enough, yeah – start another project that you’ll never finish, you think you can accomplish THAT, you’re just like (insert name here), you can’t put yourself first – that’s selfish, you obviously have no self-control, and why can’t you be more analytical / technical / intellectual / relaxed / like so-and-so?  

Plain and simple… I recognize that these tape recordings are bad.  And I know that my spiritual enemy is using them to gain a foothold over my mind and soul.  When I succumb to the thoughts in those tape recordings I have succumbed to a spiritual attack.  I get that.  But for some reason, I continue to allow them to win the battle in my mind.

I recognize that I already have the tools to fight off those tactics … to ultimately change the recordings from self-rejection to victory, from self-deprecating words to gracious thoughts (for myself, and ultimately for others) and so much more!

So, why am I stuck here?

To dig further on this topic I’ve been immersing myself in scripture, with soul-searching, by doing word studies, etc… and as I searched out the word/focus I was really trying to get to, it helped to rule out what words were NOT my focus.  Then I did some more soul-searching, word studies, etc… and some more reading and thinking and praying.

And I kept coming back to two words… precious and beloved.  And during one of these quiet times I was reminded of a song that I have listened to (on “repeat”) at least 1,000 times since the album hit the shelves.  And I woke up this morning and put it on “repeat” again and have been immersed in it for hours now.   Kari Jobe’s My Beloved is the song of my heart these days…

If you’d like to listen to it, click on this link to the YouTube video (also, the lyrics are listed below):  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vqr-Q1U87fY&feature=kp
“My Beloved”

You’re my beloved, you’re my bride

To sing over you is my delight

Come away with me my love

Under my mercy come and wait

Till we are standing face to face

I see no stain on you my child

You’re beautiful to me

So beautiful to me

I sing over you my song of peace

Cast all your care down at my feet

Come and find your rest in me

I’ll breathe my life inside of you

I’ll bear you up on eagle’s wings

And hide you in the shadow of my strength

I’ll take you to my quiet waters

I’ll restore your soul

Come rest in me and be made whole

You’re my beloved, you’re my bride

To sing over you is my delight

Come away with me my love

As part of my word study process I visit thesaurus.com for further insight… and these words were listed for beloved:  admired, cherished, dear, esteemed, favorite, hallowed, loved, popular, prized, respected, revered, treasured, venerated, well-liked, darling, dearest, pleasing, sweet, cared for, doted on, endeared, highly regarded, highly valued, near to one’s heart, precious.

Wow… powerful words.  Compelling.  

I immediately felt unworthy of these words. And then I remembered the sacrifices made for me by my Heavenly Father.  To show me how much He loved me He sacrificed His life … for me!  His sacrifice was a gift of grace.   Besides, I was created by the creator… to be an image bearer of Christ.  Therefore, I was fearfully and wonderfully made…

He must hurt for my soul when I inwardly insult myself like I do… this must stop.  

I vow (to myself and my Heavenly Father) to replace the negative personal messages with the love of Christ.  I vow to call myself cherished, loved and treasured… will you join me in this challenge?  When those self-deprecating messages boom in our ears let’s instead turn our focus on Christ’s love and grace.  It’s so much more forgiving…